Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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