Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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