Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
