Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
