Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
