If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
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I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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