i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize