She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
