I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
