just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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