Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
