and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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