i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
