So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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