i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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