That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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