She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
