My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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