I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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