i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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