Pappa wants mamma naked
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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