yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My liver just had a heart attack.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
