So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
