my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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