I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
