So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
