I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
