If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
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boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
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If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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