Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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