Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
