K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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