someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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