he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
