We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
