I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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