ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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