I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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