i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
