I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
