When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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