3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Barsexuality is the new black.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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