woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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