the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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