I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
