planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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