Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
