mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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