he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
