i wish my penis had a tongue
Redeem this text for a blowjob
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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