My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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