cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is Oprah even human
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